Conscious vs unconscious needs

Concious vs unconcious needs

Conscious needs

I would like this (from you) but I’m ok if you can’t provide that
I’m doing ok, there is no need to fix my need / to fix mself
There is no need for you to fix this
I am open to inquire into this and feel my feelings when I don’t get what I think I want/need

No suffering, no resistance
No deficiency stories tied to my need or to not getting it met if you don’t give me this
Coping strategy: Curious inquiry, acceptance, feeling what emotions arise 

Unconscious needs

You need to give this to me now and I’m not ok if you don’t give this to me!
I judge myself and I need to fix this. You need to fix this
I am ashamed and I need to hide this

I avoid feeling my feelings when I don’t get what I think I need
I feel overwhelmed by the emotions / I am experiencing a sense of abandonment
I use substances or behaviours to I distract myself
I may suffer from compulsion/ addiction

Suffering and resistance
Not getting my need met triggers my deficiency stories („I’m not good enough“/ „You don’t love/care about me“
Coping strategy: blame, avoidance, denial, distraction


With trauma therapy our body gets a chance to process unconsciously charged emotional states (unsafe emotions from childhood-trauma). As our emotional drivers are processed, they stop fuelling old deficiency stories (“I am unlovable”) and we can find our way back to a sense of trust and non-judgement.
Releasing old trauma means, emotional triggers will stop overwhelming us. We can learn to take care of our emotions just as they arise in the body without judgement or resistance. And at some point we get to a place of peace with ourselves and others. Nothing needs fixing or hiding anymore. 
Trauma therapy is goes way beyond “first-aiding” – although we use tools to regulate the nervous system during inquiry. Kiloby Inquiries is meeting that which has been pushed into the unconscious, because it was not safe to be felt. With skillful inquiry we allow the body to feel and process old childhood wounds. That’s where our true freedom lies.

Control is an illusion

Ann Wilson Schaef, „The Addictive Society“

“For most of us the thought of living fully, is far more frightening than the thought of dying or being only partially alive. As addicts we have high control needs. It gives us the illusion of having control.

Living fully – as in opening ourselves to everything we feel – seems the same as having no control, and that feeling is experienced as unbearable.”

Addiction is more paradoxical than it first appears. The truth is that being authentically ourselves, loving ourselves as we are and being open to life are deeply terrifying.

Because our survival strategies in life have involved the opposite in order to maintain our control over ourselves and others >

– Playing a role or putting on a mask so people don’t reject us
– Hating ourselves in an attempt to force ourselves to become ‘better’ (so we get love or approval from others)
– Repressing many aspects of ourselves (and hiding from life) because we don’t know what the outcome will be (thereby staying safe). And a million other things…

It’s much easier to turn to a behaviour or substance to control how we feel and to hide aspects of our being, than to face the fear of feeling everything, being fully seen and living authentically.

None of us were ever taught how to be with the intensity of our feelings, may it be hate or fear. Nor were we taught how to relate to them in a healthy way.

Instead throughout our childhood we have taken on beliefs like: „I am powerless/helpless/stupid“

Because when we believe that we are powerless, we will try all the harder to stay in control. (Who – but someone who unconsciously feels powerless – needs to be in control?).

When we don’t trust ourselves and we can’t trust life or the people that surround us, we must maintain constant control to avoid danger and failure. To the mind this is very understandable. It’s not wrong or bad, but it is suffering and not being fully alive.

CONTROL is an ILLUSION. It costs us a lot of energy and can be painful to live life this way. We are inflicting suffering on ourselves in order to stay in control.

Living fully means welcoming all aspects of life – and most of all – all of our feelings.

But no one has taught us how to allow feelings safely, how to regulate or co-regulate. We need understanding, skill and patience. We need to go slow and find empathy and compassion for ourselves. And we need a sense of safety to finally relinquish our need to control.

Welcoming every emotion and experience. Unfortunately our nervous system operates 80% in the unconscious realm, so we mostly don’t have access to deeply suppressed emotions and beliefs – we often may not feel much at all since „unsafe emotions“ remain deeply buried – so at the beginning most of us need a little help in order to turn towards thoughts and feelings we have rejected and pushed way, way down into unconsciousness.

All the while our body holds the score – turning to somatic-based inquiry can be a skilful way to reconnect to ourselves to heal and live fully open in the flow of life.

Glaubenssätze wie: “Ich bin nicht gut genug” – unsere falsche Ego-Identität dient uns als Schutz, um zu überleben und durch das kindliche Leben zu navigieren, ohne uns unseren verletzlichen Emotionen (Scham, Angst und Hass) stellen zu müssen und damit den Verlust von Anbindung und elterlicher Liebe zu riskieren.

Mit der Traumatherapie können wir endlich zulassen, dass unsere primären Emotionen sich auf sichere Weise zeigen und ausdrücken dürfen. Wenn unser emotionaler Lebensballast abnimmt, verlieren automatisch auch unsere negativen Glaubensätze ihre Kraft.

Wenn wir heilen wollen, führt kein Weg an unseren Emotionen vorbei (egal wie oft wir Affirmationen wiederholen). Denn es gibt nur einen Weg der Heilung – die unterdrückten Gefühle in einem sicheren Rahmen endlich wahrnehmen und fühlen zu können. Die Ruhe und Erleichterung die der Körper dadurch finden kann, ist unbeschreibbar.

“Ich dachte, “falsche Ego-Identität” sei die Wurzel meines Leidens. Die eigentliche Wurzel war emotionale Unterdrückung durch Entwicklungstraumata in der Kindheit. Die Ego-Identität hat mir nur dazu gedient, die emotionale Unterdrückung von Gefühlen vor mir selbst und allen anderen zu verstecken.”  Scott Kiloby